This thought bothers me a bit, but as time goes on, I care less.
The family reunion is coming up. We won't be going. I'm sure that my son and my mother will spend a great deal of time trashing me to anyone who will listen and that makes me angry.
What I can't help but wonder about is, will anyone stand up for me? Will anyone say "gee, I've known your mother her whole life and that sure doesn't sound like something she'd do."
I assume none of the rest of the family, including my brother, know what happened. Certainly none of them know my side of the story.
I actually do care about a couple of my relatives and I've been tempted to email them and just say "you're going to hear some stuff about me. I hope you'll think about who I am and how I've acted my whole life before you decide if it's true or not" but then I decided that I don't want to engage with any of them over any of it. Is that cowardly? I hope not. Mostly, I just don't want to give any more energy to this issue.
But still, it would be nice to think that at least one person might say a tiny peep in support of me. But I'm not holding my breath.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Friday, August 15, 2014
The Flying Monkeys
It's been over a month since we left my parents' house. I've had a couple of email messages from my mother asking about the cell phone stuff. I've responded but not been chatty.
Last Sunday my father called twice, saying that he just wondered how we were doing. In the second message he said he thought about me all the time and he sounded sort of sad. That really got me and I felt terribly guilty and sad for him.
Fortunately I was working so I couldn't call. Besides, I have no desire to have a conversation w/any member of my family. I don't want to be subjected to their questions and I don't want to pretend that all is fine.
But, I felt bad about my dad. I emailed my mother and said that cell service was bad where we were but to tell Dad I'd be in touch and that I didn't want him to worry. She wrote back that not only does he worry, but he cries.
That hooked me too. But I resisted.
I hate the idea of looking like a mean daughter who doesn't care that her father misses her. In fact, I do care, but for once in my life I care more about myself and my own sanity.
I wrote my dad a letter letting him know we were fine and promising to keep in touch more.
Then my brother called. He never calls. I didn't answer his call either. He left a v/m saying he heard I was in New Mexico and wondered how I was. I sent him an email the next day saying the phone service is sketchy (not true, but makes life easier for me) and that email is the best way to stay in touch. He wrote back w/a very short note and said "When you get in cell range, please call Dad, he'd love to hear from you."
This time is made me mad. Let me explain that for the last ten years or more, I have attended dozens of surgeries, out-patient procedures and doctors appointments with my parents. I've taken them on weekend trips, shopping and fixed their computers and cell phones. My brother visits about one weekend per year and can barely stand to do that, so the idea that he was admonishing me to call our dad really pissed me off.
Then I remembered...The Flying Monkeys. This is a term used for the people the narcissist uses to do their dirty work, just like the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz. My father and my brother are both flying monkeys for my mother. I'm sure my dad was sincere in his concern for me, but it's not like I'm sixteen and I ran away from home. What does he think---that I've been kidnapped and held against my will?
Then I realized that he wants to hear from me because to him, that's a sign that I'm not mad. Remember, he's an enabling father who hates conflict, hates the idea that I might be mad at him or that I might let loose on my narcissist mom and cause turmoil at their house. So, if he's crying, it's probably 10% because he's concerned for me, 40% that he misses my husband and I because we were good company, and 50% that he wants to continue the illusion that we're a happy family.
Maybe we are a happy family. I'm 1500 miles away and I'm happy.
Last Sunday my father called twice, saying that he just wondered how we were doing. In the second message he said he thought about me all the time and he sounded sort of sad. That really got me and I felt terribly guilty and sad for him.
Fortunately I was working so I couldn't call. Besides, I have no desire to have a conversation w/any member of my family. I don't want to be subjected to their questions and I don't want to pretend that all is fine.
But, I felt bad about my dad. I emailed my mother and said that cell service was bad where we were but to tell Dad I'd be in touch and that I didn't want him to worry. She wrote back that not only does he worry, but he cries.
That hooked me too. But I resisted.
I hate the idea of looking like a mean daughter who doesn't care that her father misses her. In fact, I do care, but for once in my life I care more about myself and my own sanity.
I wrote my dad a letter letting him know we were fine and promising to keep in touch more.
Then my brother called. He never calls. I didn't answer his call either. He left a v/m saying he heard I was in New Mexico and wondered how I was. I sent him an email the next day saying the phone service is sketchy (not true, but makes life easier for me) and that email is the best way to stay in touch. He wrote back w/a very short note and said "When you get in cell range, please call Dad, he'd love to hear from you."
This time is made me mad. Let me explain that for the last ten years or more, I have attended dozens of surgeries, out-patient procedures and doctors appointments with my parents. I've taken them on weekend trips, shopping and fixed their computers and cell phones. My brother visits about one weekend per year and can barely stand to do that, so the idea that he was admonishing me to call our dad really pissed me off.
Then I remembered...The Flying Monkeys. This is a term used for the people the narcissist uses to do their dirty work, just like the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz. My father and my brother are both flying monkeys for my mother. I'm sure my dad was sincere in his concern for me, but it's not like I'm sixteen and I ran away from home. What does he think---that I've been kidnapped and held against my will?
Then I realized that he wants to hear from me because to him, that's a sign that I'm not mad. Remember, he's an enabling father who hates conflict, hates the idea that I might be mad at him or that I might let loose on my narcissist mom and cause turmoil at their house. So, if he's crying, it's probably 10% because he's concerned for me, 40% that he misses my husband and I because we were good company, and 50% that he wants to continue the illusion that we're a happy family.
Maybe we are a happy family. I'm 1500 miles away and I'm happy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)