Narcissistic Mothers 101: A Brief Guide is now available on Amazon. It's also part of Kindle Unlimited so if you are a subscriber to that program you can read it for free.
I didn't want the book to sound like I was simply sharing my own stories or complaining about my mother. I want it to be a helpful guide for others.
Here's the blurb:
Have you spent years trying to improve your relationship
with your mother? Do you twist yourself into knots trying to please her, hoping
this time will be different?
Do you marvel at mothers who appear to be loving and kind,
wondering what that must feel like for her children? Do you behave as though
love must be earned and not given unconditionally?
If so, your mother might be a narcissists—highly critical,
demanding, and often cruel.
This book explores the characteristics of narcissistic
mothers and offers some practical advice for children who have been raised by
these damaged women.
I'm very excited. If you've read the book, please let me know what you think.
Hi, I just wanted to say thank you for your help, your book is brilliant, one of the best I have read-and I have read ALOT!! I am still at the stage where I am not sure about the situation with my Mother but I have always known something is......different about our relationship. Your blog and book does help to relieve some of the loneliness and set some things straight in my mind. I hope you have found or find peace.
ReplyDeleteThank you :)
OMG! You have totally made my day! What a thrill to know that someone read my book AND got something out of it.
DeleteIt is a lonely feeling, isn't it? Wondering why it can't be better or why you don't have a mom like the ones in Hallmark Movies. It's not you. That's the important thing to remember.
Please come back and visit often. :)
It has taken me YEARS to understand why my Mum did not even seem to like me alot of the time and why she is so cruel and nasty to one of my three Children (the one that is most like me, strangely!!) Now I do, I am angry and upset but excited and feel a weight is finally lifted!!
ReplyDeleteI visit other people and find their Mums lovely so they are either a) weird or b) putting it on!! How bad is that?!?!
Well, around five weeks ago I had had enough, I didn't want another Christmas ruined, my Kidz miserable. I remembered what a Counsellor had said to me about my Mum being narcissistic so I typed it into Google.......and what do you know?!?! I started reading.....and reading.....and reading!! Thanks to people like you, especially you, I no longer feel like a broken Woman. I have never been a victim, I am not here to blame or rage, I just want to understand, move on and become a better person for it.
I thought love had to be worked and grafted for but once I had it, it was fragile and I could loose it at any time. The unconditional love I have for my Kidz, Partner (who's too good for me btw!!) And friends is wrong and the fact I am happy being 'just me' is lazy and ridiculous. To have my partner say that he thinks I am right about my Mum and that he supports me, believes me and says it is wrong the way she treats me is......well......emotional to say the least!!
As my Mum is a clever, kind, doting Grandma (!!!!) Who is always putting everybody before her, especially her half wit failure of a Daughter (me) nobody would have ever believed the other side. When her true colours finally started to show, everyone ran.....except me. Then the vicious cycle started. I can't bear the vicious insults but she's my mother but I can't bear it but she's my mother!! What is wrong with me?!?! Well, I have had mental health problems since I was in the womb, apparently........
Your book is brilliant, compassionate, straight to the point but witty too. It has relieved some of my guilt and confusion as I felt like it wasn't so bad, she never hit me.....but I feel bruised, battered and drained. Yes I FEEL and now I know for sure that's ok and it's wonderful, maybe I am that cheerful, kind, intelligent Woman people seem to like. I decided 7 years ago I was no longer a mug but now I actually believe it and no one is allowed to treat me as such, ESPECIALLY my mother!!
ANYWAY I only wanted to say thank you and good luck, I have never actually told anyone else this and now I find myself spilling but I realize the World does NOT REVOLVE AROUND ME!! ;) something I have taught myself, obviously.......
You are right, it's not me, I hope you take your own advice!!
Thank you
Sunshine
Wow. You hit on so many important points that I can relate to. I think that's one of the important things when learning about narcissistic mothers---realizing that there are many, many people out there with the same experience and we're not the problem. One of the major problems, I think, is that we all feel like we can't come out and say "my mother isn't a nice person" (or worse) because the world says mothers are perfect, so we feel isolated and wrong.
DeleteTotally agree, it's a very taboo subject isn't it?? Cruel step mothers yes, quite believable but mothers?? Well, I am afraid life isn't always a fairy tale!! Took me 35 years to realise that my Children and I were not in the wrong. How do you deal with the guilt though?? I always tell the Children that they must not put up with cruel treatment no matter where it comes from yet I have exposed them to the worst kind because none of us saw it coming!! Hmmm, suppose these things take time......
ReplyDeleteDo the cruel jibes ever stop or is this it??
Thanks again
Sunshine
Yes, it does take time and we need to be kind to ourselves. Decades of conditioning won't just go away over night.
DeleteAs for the guilt...I don't have a magical answer. I still feel it from time to time though I am still in limited contact w/my parents. They are older and in poor health and I wonder if I'll have regrets when they die but right now, when I think about interacting with them, I have a visceral reaction like an abuse victim (which we all are). Also, when I start to feel guilty or wonder if I've been too harsh (since my mother alwasy told me I was a bitch) I tell the stories of some of the things that have happened to myself as though I am telling someone else. Or i read blogs or books on the topic and it reminds me of what I've been through.
We treat them like children and give them a pass on bad behavior, but they are adults. It's hard to get past the conditioning and the belief that we have to take care of them.
Ahh, that's why I feel sick when I have to see her is it?! I do feel guilty as no one else wants to be around her now which I understand but I have tried to gently tell her maybe it is because she is so bitter, rude, judgemental and very cruel (not using those words exactly as I am very diplomatic) but obviously that went unheard as most things do..... I am very sorry that you have had to write your book in the first place and that you mother felt it right to call you a bitch. It's not easy to ignore the comments of someone who is supposed to love you more than anyone or anything is it?!
ReplyDeleteOne question I wanted to ask if you don't mind
1, She never hit me/beat me/threatened to hit me, can someone still be a narcississist without using physical violence?
I am very confused as I loved my Dad, he was kind, loving, supportive. She treated him the same way. I am not angry at him as he had a narcissistic mother too and probably thought it was normal. He never put me down or ignored me and I do not see him as an enabling Father but surely he must've been??
Thank you for your kindness
Sunshine
I am not an expert in this field, so my answers are only based on my own experience and readings.
DeleteBut, just because someone doesn't become physically violent (my mother never hit me either) doesn't mean they aren't abusive. In fact, I think that's what many victims tell themselves---well, it's not soo bad. She never hit me.
But, ask yourself this...how long do the hurts last that she inflicts with her cruel words? Much longer than it take a bruise or even a broken bone to heal.
I don't know your father and hate to make judgments about him, especially since you loved him very much. I had the same thoughts about my dad...that he was also a victim. But surely he knew the cruelty of her words, so was he (an adult) any less to blame? Sort of like a person who stands by and watches a crime take place. Are they guilty if they do nothing? That's for you to decide.
Do you know what, you are right. My memories are vague and I suppose I choose to gloss over anything to do with him as I was devastated when he died.
ReplyDeleteI know what you are saying and I agree, better to face up to it I guess :( as I need to move on from all this. I do think words can be just as bad as physical violence and I know it may take a while to wade through all this as I am sure you understand yourself. I have asked for counselling so fingers crossed!!
I hope one day I can inspire others like you have me.
Thank you, as always
Sunshine
I think this is a long journey where sometimes you make great progress and the next day you feel like you've fallen back three paces. I think the important thing is to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up when you have a setback. There's no one right way to deal with this.
Delete