Tuesday, January 13, 2015

I Wrote A Book!

I'm very excited to annouce that I wrote a book!

Narcissistic Mothers 101: A Brief Guide is now available on Amazon. It's also part of Kindle Unlimited so if you are a subscriber to that program you can read it for free.

I didn't want the book to sound like I was simply sharing my own stories or complaining about my mother. I want it to be a helpful guide for others.

Here's the blurb:

Have you spent years trying to improve your relationship with your mother? Do you twist yourself into knots trying to please her, hoping this time will be different?
Do you marvel at mothers who appear to be loving and kind, wondering what that must feel like for her children? Do you behave as though love must be earned and not given unconditionally?
If so, your mother might be a narcissists—highly critical, demanding, and often cruel.

This book explores the characteristics of narcissistic mothers and offers some practical advice for children who have been raised by these damaged women.

I'm very excited. If you've read the book, please let me know what you think.  

Friday, September 5, 2014

What Will People Think Part 2

The family reunion happened a couple weeks ago. All I've heard is what a nice time everyone had. Interestingly, my mother decided to start sending me chatty emails afterward. I assume that she got enough narcissistic supply during the weekend to either make her want to gloat about what fun they had or pretend that all was well.

Since I told people we wouldn't be at the family reunion because we are off havng an RV adventure, I assume my mother also stuck to that story, but with her own embellishments.

It feels weird to not really know what is happening with my family, but it also feels good. I used to say that my ideal vacation would just be a day when no one wanted anything from me. I used to spend a fair amount of time either listening to my mother's problems, trying to fix them or trying to do stuff to make her happy. Same with my son. I don't miss any of that.

Apparently they are able to manage without me. What is it about me that felt compelled to do all this for them, like they needed it?

One of the things I keep reading about is how a narcissistc mother parentifies their child and that was certainly the case with me. I have felt responsible for her emotional happiness for as long as I can remember. If she said she was bored, I tried to entertain her. If she was sad, I was sad. If there was someone she didn't like, I didn't like them either (or else I felt guilty if I did like them).

With a baby, it's fun to make them laugh because their laughter is so joyful. With a narcissistc mother you just try to do anything to avoid their censure.


Monday, August 18, 2014

What Will People Think?

This thought bothers me a bit, but as time goes on, I care less.

The family reunion is coming up. We won't be going. I'm sure that my son and my mother will spend a great deal of time trashing me to anyone who will listen and that makes me angry.

What I can't help but wonder about is, will anyone stand up for me? Will anyone say "gee, I've known your mother her whole life and that sure doesn't sound like something she'd do."

I assume none of the rest of the family, including my brother, know what happened. Certainly none of them know my side of the story.

I actually do care about a couple of my relatives and I've been tempted to email them and just say "you're going to hear some stuff about me. I hope you'll think about who I am and how I've acted my whole life before you decide if it's true or not" but then I decided that I don't want to engage with any of them over any of it. Is that cowardly? I hope not. Mostly, I just don't want to give any more energy to this issue.

But still, it would be nice to think that at least one person might say a tiny peep in support of me. But I'm not holding my breath.

Friday, August 15, 2014

The Flying Monkeys

It's been over a month since we left my parents' house. I've had a couple of email messages from my mother asking about the cell phone stuff. I've responded but not been chatty.

Last Sunday my father called twice, saying that he just wondered how we were doing. In the second message he said he thought about me all the time and he sounded sort of sad. That really got me and I felt terribly guilty and sad for him.

Fortunately I was working so I couldn't call. Besides, I have no desire to have a conversation w/any member of my family. I don't want to be subjected to their questions and I don't want to pretend that all is fine.

But, I felt bad about my dad. I emailed my mother and said that cell service was bad where we were but to tell Dad I'd be in touch and that I didn't want him to worry. She wrote back that not only does he worry, but he cries.

That hooked me too. But I resisted.

I hate the idea of looking like a mean daughter who doesn't care that her father misses her. In fact, I do care, but for once in my life I care more about myself and my own sanity.

I wrote my dad a letter letting him know we were fine and promising to keep in touch more.

Then my brother called. He never calls. I didn't answer his call either. He left a v/m saying he heard I was in New Mexico and wondered how I was. I sent him an email the next day saying the phone service is sketchy (not true, but makes life easier for me) and that email is the best way to stay in touch. He wrote back w/a very short note and said "When you get in cell range, please call Dad, he'd love to hear from you."

This time is made me mad. Let me explain that for the last ten years or more, I have attended dozens of surgeries, out-patient procedures and doctors appointments with my parents. I've taken them on weekend trips, shopping and fixed their computers and cell phones. My brother visits about one weekend per year and can barely stand to do that, so the idea that he was admonishing me to call our dad really pissed me off.

Then I remembered...The Flying Monkeys. This is a term used for the people the narcissist uses to do their dirty work, just like the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz. My father and my brother are both flying monkeys for my mother. I'm sure my dad was sincere in his concern for me, but it's not like I'm sixteen and I ran away from home. What does he think---that I've been kidnapped and held against my will?

Then I realized that he wants to hear from me because to him, that's a sign that I'm not mad. Remember, he's an enabling father who hates conflict, hates the idea that I might be mad at him or that I might let loose on my narcissist mom and cause turmoil at their house. So, if he's crying, it's probably 10% because he's concerned for me, 40% that he misses my husband and I because we were good company, and 50% that he wants to continue the illusion that we're a happy family.

Maybe we are a happy family. I'm 1500 miles away and I'm happy.


Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Going Low or No Contact With My Narcissistic Mother (And Enabling Father)

In my last post I described how my parents think my husband and I are price gouging my son on the sale of our house to him. They also plan to give him a large amount of money "to keep his mortgage payments low". As it was, the mortgage would have been less than $500 per month, which he can well afford.

I've been reading a great deal about narcissistic mothers over the last couple weeks. In addition, my husband and I have left their house and moved over 1,000 miles away. After a week, my mother sent an email asking how we are doing and where we are (we are in a RV). I wrote back telling her where we were headed. She responded by asking where my husband had taken her dry cleaning.

What?

Not even a "that's nice"? "Why are you going there?"

I wrote back and told her where her precious dry cleaning was and she said thanks. I deleted that message and don't plan to send any others any time soon, though I do have a couple of financial dealings to take care of with her.

It's funny that I want to go no contact, but I also don't have the courage to say to them (N mom and Enabling Father) that I don't want to have any contact with them. And there's still the fact that there are some financial issues and some of our possessions are at their house.

The dry cleaning thing really threw me for a loop. Why would that be her response? But then I realized that since the whole world revolves around her, the only issue that my absence brings is that she needs someone to pick up her dry cleaning. (Of course, my husband made sure to pick it up before we left just so she couldn't bitch about it. That was probably a pointless exercise since she'll always find something to bitch about.)

What freaks me out is how scared I am of her. How I check my email waiting for her to rant about something.

Then I have to ask myself why I would care about that?  Well, for one thing, it would hurt for her to rant at me. But she's also a horrible person. The worst. I believe that now, though it's still hard to get my head around 100%. 

How long can I go w/o contacting them before they contact me. Do I have to respond? What is it that I'm hoping they will say?

When my husband and I left, we told them we were heading to a friend's house. My dad got choked up when we said good-bye. I think he knew we weren't coming back. It made me sad and still does when I think about it. And then I think about the horrible things he said the house sale to my son.

And, was he sad I was leaving or sad that now he's alone w/my N mom.

While we were there, they got along better. I assume we were the common enemy. Part of me wants to know what is going on now and part of me doesn't care. Or at least doesn't want to care.

This is a rambling post. Sorry. I'm just trying to wrap my head around all that has happened in the last two weeks.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Narcissists Have To Be The Stars Of Everything

So, I had a perfectly nice plan in place to sell my son my house at what I thought was a fair and even low, price. Which included about $3,000 or more in appliances, furniture and other things. Probably more than $3,000, but why quibble.

I thought I was being generous and worked hard to have the house clean when we left and even left some treats in the freezer.

In yesterday's post, I talked about how my parents said the price was too much. Mind you, this is three months after my husband and I moved out of our house, did improvements to my parents' house and let my son and his girlfriend move in and not pay rent. [Now that I read it, I can see I was a fool.]

So while my parents were diminishing my good news with their spewy goo about how I was trying to cheat my son, they said, again with a sanctimonious smile, that "to keep peace in the family" they were going to take out a second mortgage on their home and give my son half the price of the house as a gift. 

My son, as far as I know, never told them he needed money for the house and their arguments about how they were going to "bail him out" made no sense. He didn't need to be bailed out. He needed to man up, but more on that later.

As you might imagine, my husband and I were stunned by their statements and accusations. Engraged might be more like it, but I'm proud to report that we just said "mmm. yummy. give me another sh*t sandwich".

All day I was devastated. Did my parents really think I was such a horrible person? Had they thought this all along?

Were they right? (I was 99.9% sure they weren't, but I've had years of conditioning, remember).

Then I did some reading and read about how narcissists must be the most important person in the room and had a big AHA moment.

My son and I made this deal without invovling them. My son, their only grandchild and the 8th wonder of the world had not sought their advice or money.

So they created a big problem (realized that my father was the one who had fed my son some of the garbage he'd spewed a few days earlier) and then swooped in to fix it. Where there was no drama, they generated some so they could be the heros.

It's impressive in it's perveristy.

Now, I am the bad guy who tried to screw over her son (by the way, their opinion on this is based on zero information or knowledge about anything related to the house or home values, but why bother with information when you are right about everything), moved in with them to be a freeloader, and then probably used too much toilet paper or something else to add to my sins.

Oh, how would any of us survive without them to meddle in our lives?

The good news is that with this information, I am able to see exactly what they were doing. It sort of helps to think that they might not really believe I'm gouging my son, but I still think they do.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Narcissists Spoil Your Special Days

Yesterday I told my parents that my husband and I are going to be able to fulfill a long time dream of ours. You'd think they'd be happy for us. They said they were.

And then they said that I'm price gouging my son on the sale of my house to him. Followed by how I overpaid for the house and lots of other charming comments.

Amazingly, I just kept my cool and listened. I did defend a little bit but realized it was pointless and stopped.

My husband, wisely, left the room.

They said these things, my parents mind you, while smiling and as though they were commenting on the weather rather than their daughter's character.

It was the most freaky thing I've seen in a long time, though I suspect there will be more before this ordeal is over.

So...what was supposed to be an announcement that should have been greeted with excitement for us was turned into a bash session where they annhilated my character.

Wow.

I'm so glad that I read about narcissists and learned so much, though I'm still learning, before this happened and I was able to put it into perspective.

No, I didn't just laugh all day long at their silliness. For most of the day I felt nauseaus.

But I'm doing better now. I'm glad I didn't vent my spleet at them because it would have done no good and it would have provided the drama and narcissistic supply my mother wanted.

In fact, a short time afterward, when I continued my day as planned she became very chatty. Asked me questions about our plans. Asked if I might like to use some of her eye salve since I spend so much time on the computer...seriously, how deep did she have to dig to find that as a topic of conversation?

But, I think she was disappointed that I didn't create drama or react to their crappy statements and behavior.

So maybe being calm is the best revenge.