Let's Call It What It Is---Abuse

I had a big screaming fight with my mother today, but I didn't back down. And I left in a pretty bitchy mood too.

But then a funny thing happened. I felt free.

All the things I've done for years...decades...my whole life...to get her approval came rushing to mind and I realized how nearly every decision I'd made had been to either seek her approval or avoid her disapproval (which is probably a higher priority if you've ever experienced the self-righteous wrath of a narcissist).

I thought about all the time I'd spent trying to dance to her tune so she'd think I was wonderful and a good girl...and I felt like a fool. Like I'd been played for her entertainment my whole damned life.

After the big fight, I called my husband and he said he was proud of me. That I shouldn't back down.

I'm proud of me too.

And a profound thought occurred to me and I actually said it out loud---I think I hate her.

I know that's horrible and if you've never dealt with an abusive mother you'll think I'm a horrible child, but once I thought that her love didn't matter to me, I felt a burden lift. A huge burden. Like 50 years of garbage.

All afternoon I kept to myself and in my mind I was saying "Fuck you" over and over and thinking about all the stuff I'd done to try to make her love me and I felt like a fool.

My husband and I moved in with my parents a few weeks ago to help them out. It was our suggestion. I also realized that no matter how nice I am or how much I do for them, they will never turn into warm, gentle reasonable people.

This afternoon, after the big fight, I wondered if I might lose my mind if I stayed here. Then I realized, I don't have to. We told them we'd be here for a few months, though we (my husband and I) both knew it was likely we'd be here until they died or needed to go to a home. Now I'm not so sure.

Who the hell does she think she is to talk to me the way she did? What mother, of any age, talks to her child that way?

I'm still mad, but now I feel more detached and more empowered. I don't have to take care of them. I don't have to fix their house. I ought to do a few things since I am living here for free and I don't want them to be miserable, but my days of step and fetch it are long over.