Hurtful Things Narcissists Say

We all have unkind  or sarcastic thoughts about other people. I have them all the time. But, I like to think that I am getting better about keeping them to myself and being mindful of the fact that such things can be hurtful to others.

My mother has no such qualms.

I've never been pretty and feminine. I can be attractive but it generally takes some effort. I'm fine with that, but of course I'd like it better if it was more of a natural thing. However, I'd like to add that my mother never was of much assistance in encouraging me to be pretty or attractive (more on that at a later time).

I always wish I had a great hairstyle. About 12 years ago I had my hair fairly long and then permed it. It wasn't a great look.

A few months later I got a new haircut and my mother said "Oh, your hair looks so nice. I really hated the way it looked before. I kept giving you hints and that's why I kept buying you those salon gift certificates, but you kept getting massages instead of a decent haircut."

So, instead of feeling good about my new haircut, I felt like a fool who had been going around with a horrible hairstyle for months and had even been too dense to pick up on my mother's oh-so-helpful hints. All I could think about was that I'd looked awful for so long.

Now, why couldn't she have just complimented me on the new haircut and shut up about it?

I'm no expert, but I think that because everything is about her, she had to add in how she'd known all along that I needed something different, thus proving how much smarter she was and how much more fashion conscious she was than me.

It can't just be about my new haircut. She has to add in a dig.

And, given that I still remember it...you know it hurt.

The Hurtful Things Narcissists Say

Background: As I mentioned in the post above, my mother has had some serious health problems, but there's been nothing major in the last 3-4 years.

My mother can't get around very well, so she spends most of her time at home. I know that gets boring and I try to take her out or to take both my parents on little trips on a regular basis. Believe me, this is rarely a super fun time for me because they are both getting old and need help. Regardless, I do these things to try to ease their boredom and because I (mostly) enjoy spending time with them.

My son, their only grandson, also visits regularly and has, on several occasions, spent entire days takinng my mother shopping.

The incident:

The other day I was at my parents' house and my mother had gone out to lunch with a friend. She called while she was gone to say that they were going to do some shopping and she'd be home later than expected. She also mentioned what a wonderful day she was having. Good. I was happy to hear it. As anyone with a narcissistic mother knows, you hold your breath hoping she's having a good day, or at least not having a bad day, because that lessens the odds that she'll go into a rant at you.

While she was gone my husband and I busted our asses doing some home repairs for them.

When she got home she went on and on and on about what a wonderful day she had. I was happy for her. I have plenty of wonderful days and don't begrudge anyone else having them.

But....here's the kicker. Several times she said "This is the best day I've had since I went into the hospital in 2008."

My reaction: I didn't say anything to her. I know better (though I still slip up from time to time). But I'll tell you, it hurt and it made me mad. I'm not jealous of the friend who took her to lunch. I like her and I'm grateful that she's willing to give my mom a diversion. What I am bothered by is how hurtful and insensitive my mother's words were, to me, to my son and to everyone who has gone out of their way to provide some comfort and pleasure for my parents.

And she said it over and over again. I can only imagine the sting it put to my father's feelings to realize that nothing he'd done in the last 6 years could measure up to one lunch and a bit of shopping.

She also said "She was so patient with me. Everyone else who takes me shopping just paces around and tries to rush me."

Hmmm...the only people who take her shopping are me or my son. How can I not be offended by that?

The good news: I'm still hurt and angry over that. But, I'm also not overly inclined to go out of my way to take her shopping again in the near future. And when I do (because we all know I will eventually) I'll be as patient and kind and I am able and I'll keep my expectations low. I know it will never measure up to the magical day with her friend, who no doubt fawned all over my mother and treated her like a queen. Good for her. It's what every narcissistic mother wants, afterall.

How I Finally Realized My Mother Was A Narcissist

My parents are aged and in poor health. Over the last couple of years, my father, who had never had health problems before, had a heart attack. Apparently all those years of smoking, drinking and eating the wrong things caught up to him.

Like a dutiful daughter, I did my best to go to doctor's appointments with them and be there when they were in the hospital.

During one of my father's hospital stays, I noticed the following two things my mom said.

First, when the doctor came into the room she was determined to tell the doctor all the things my father had done wrong (or that he'd done after she'd told him not to) like she was telling on an unruly siblilng instead of her husband of more than 50 years. Then whenever she talked to the doctors or nurses about my dad's condition, it was always about how it affected her. "He just won't listen when I tell him not to eat X". "I'm just so exhausted from trying to take care of him." (BTW---he doesn't need any care, though he does need to be better about what he eats."

Before I go on to the second thing I noticed, let me give you a bit of background. While my father has not had any obvious health problems until about 4 years ago, my mother has. In the last 10 years or so, she has spent significant amounts of time in hospitals and nursing homes, though she is at home now and doing fine, or as fine as someone can who has had those problems.

So, we go into my father's hospital room and there's a recliner there. She sits in it and says "Oh, I never had anything this comfortable when I was in the hospital." She looks out the window. "I wish I'd had a nice view like this when I was in the hosptial. Oh, all those lonely days and long nights."

Yes, while my father was hooked up to machines and we were unclear about his condition, she made the conversation all about her.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I was almost 50 before I noticed these things, but when I did, I started thinking and did a bit of research. When I read about Narcissist Mothers, it was like the clouds in my brain parted and it all became clear.

Now, let me say, that I love my mother very much. I have no plans to go low or no contact. But, I do want to sort through these many issues and try to come to peace with this situation.

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog.

I don't actually know if anyone will stop by, but if you do, please feel free to join the conversation.

A blog was originally meant to be sort of a cyber diary and that's what I intend to do here. This is my place to post about my thoughts and experiences in dealing with my mother and my best friend who I have finally figured out are both narcissists.

I'd like to write a book about my experiences and I thought this blog would be a good way to sort out all my different thoughts in smaller pieces.