The Hurtful Things Narcissists Say

Background: As I mentioned in the post above, my mother has had some serious health problems, but there's been nothing major in the last 3-4 years.

My mother can't get around very well, so she spends most of her time at home. I know that gets boring and I try to take her out or to take both my parents on little trips on a regular basis. Believe me, this is rarely a super fun time for me because they are both getting old and need help. Regardless, I do these things to try to ease their boredom and because I (mostly) enjoy spending time with them.

My son, their only grandson, also visits regularly and has, on several occasions, spent entire days takinng my mother shopping.

The incident:

The other day I was at my parents' house and my mother had gone out to lunch with a friend. She called while she was gone to say that they were going to do some shopping and she'd be home later than expected. She also mentioned what a wonderful day she was having. Good. I was happy to hear it. As anyone with a narcissistic mother knows, you hold your breath hoping she's having a good day, or at least not having a bad day, because that lessens the odds that she'll go into a rant at you.

While she was gone my husband and I busted our asses doing some home repairs for them.

When she got home she went on and on and on about what a wonderful day she had. I was happy for her. I have plenty of wonderful days and don't begrudge anyone else having them.

But....here's the kicker. Several times she said "This is the best day I've had since I went into the hospital in 2008."

My reaction: I didn't say anything to her. I know better (though I still slip up from time to time). But I'll tell you, it hurt and it made me mad. I'm not jealous of the friend who took her to lunch. I like her and I'm grateful that she's willing to give my mom a diversion. What I am bothered by is how hurtful and insensitive my mother's words were, to me, to my son and to everyone who has gone out of their way to provide some comfort and pleasure for my parents.

And she said it over and over again. I can only imagine the sting it put to my father's feelings to realize that nothing he'd done in the last 6 years could measure up to one lunch and a bit of shopping.

She also said "She was so patient with me. Everyone else who takes me shopping just paces around and tries to rush me."

Hmmm...the only people who take her shopping are me or my son. How can I not be offended by that?

The good news: I'm still hurt and angry over that. But, I'm also not overly inclined to go out of my way to take her shopping again in the near future. And when I do (because we all know I will eventually) I'll be as patient and kind and I am able and I'll keep my expectations low. I know it will never measure up to the magical day with her friend, who no doubt fawned all over my mother and treated her like a queen. Good for her. It's what every narcissistic mother wants, afterall.