Narcissitic Rage

I'm sure we all wish we knew what set off narcissitic rage because then we'd do just about anything to avoid it. The real hurt of these attacks is that it often catches you off guard.

This morning, I remembered one such incident.

On the day that I recieved my graduate degree, my parents and my brother attended the ceremony. There was a reception afterward for those in my department. My family came, but stayed only briefly, then said they had to get on their way.

That was fine by me since I was more interested in talking to my friends than introducing my family around.

A few hours later I finished packing up my car and drove to my parents' house where I'd be living for a couple months. When I got there, my brother came out and informed me my mother had been on a tear, including crying, since they left the reception because I was "embarrassed by them."

So, on what ought to have been a triumphant arrival home after accomplishing something pretty impressive, I had the rug pulled out from under me. I went in the house to try to soothe the situation, of course I was sure I must have done something to merit this because at that time (over twenty years ago) I was still pretty sure my mother was right about everything.

I went in the house and she ranted at me and I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. I had no idea what imaginary slight had brought this on, but she was in a full blown rant which had apparently been going on for some time.

Looking back, I can't help but wonder if either my brother or father had tried to stick up for me or if they were just trying to steer clear of the fallout. I can't imagine that my brother, the golden boy, came to my defense, though I'd like to think that my father at least tried (before he was shouted down).

Now, whenever I look back on what was a pretty impressive accomplishment in my life, what I most remember is my mom's lunacy.

I can only guess that my academic accomplishments and prestige, something she always wanted for herself, set her off. She couldn't stand thinking that I'd outdone her.

It's ironic, because she was very supportive of me going to graduate school, yet on the day when the spotlight was supposed to be on me, she just couldn't take it.

Frankly, I'm angry and hurt. I know now that I was not to blame. She, of course, will never know that.

Sometimes I think I'd like to bring that day up and tell her how horrible she was and how wrong she was, but I know better. Even if she does give some sort of weak apology she will still manage to make it all my fault.

Hurtful Things Narcissists Say

We all have unkind  or sarcastic thoughts about other people. I have them all the time. But, I like to think that I am getting better about keeping them to myself and being mindful of the fact that such things can be hurtful to others.

My mother has no such qualms.

I've never been pretty and feminine. I can be attractive but it generally takes some effort. I'm fine with that, but of course I'd like it better if it was more of a natural thing. However, I'd like to add that my mother never was of much assistance in encouraging me to be pretty or attractive (more on that at a later time).

I always wish I had a great hairstyle. About 12 years ago I had my hair fairly long and then permed it. It wasn't a great look.

A few months later I got a new haircut and my mother said "Oh, your hair looks so nice. I really hated the way it looked before. I kept giving you hints and that's why I kept buying you those salon gift certificates, but you kept getting massages instead of a decent haircut."

So, instead of feeling good about my new haircut, I felt like a fool who had been going around with a horrible hairstyle for months and had even been too dense to pick up on my mother's oh-so-helpful hints. All I could think about was that I'd looked awful for so long.

Now, why couldn't she have just complimented me on the new haircut and shut up about it?

I'm no expert, but I think that because everything is about her, she had to add in how she'd known all along that I needed something different, thus proving how much smarter she was and how much more fashion conscious she was than me.

It can't just be about my new haircut. She has to add in a dig.

And, given that I still remember it...you know it hurt.

The Hurtful Things Narcissists Say

Background: As I mentioned in the post above, my mother has had some serious health problems, but there's been nothing major in the last 3-4 years.

My mother can't get around very well, so she spends most of her time at home. I know that gets boring and I try to take her out or to take both my parents on little trips on a regular basis. Believe me, this is rarely a super fun time for me because they are both getting old and need help. Regardless, I do these things to try to ease their boredom and because I (mostly) enjoy spending time with them.

My son, their only grandson, also visits regularly and has, on several occasions, spent entire days takinng my mother shopping.

The incident:

The other day I was at my parents' house and my mother had gone out to lunch with a friend. She called while she was gone to say that they were going to do some shopping and she'd be home later than expected. She also mentioned what a wonderful day she was having. Good. I was happy to hear it. As anyone with a narcissistic mother knows, you hold your breath hoping she's having a good day, or at least not having a bad day, because that lessens the odds that she'll go into a rant at you.

While she was gone my husband and I busted our asses doing some home repairs for them.

When she got home she went on and on and on about what a wonderful day she had. I was happy for her. I have plenty of wonderful days and don't begrudge anyone else having them.

But....here's the kicker. Several times she said "This is the best day I've had since I went into the hospital in 2008."

My reaction: I didn't say anything to her. I know better (though I still slip up from time to time). But I'll tell you, it hurt and it made me mad. I'm not jealous of the friend who took her to lunch. I like her and I'm grateful that she's willing to give my mom a diversion. What I am bothered by is how hurtful and insensitive my mother's words were, to me, to my son and to everyone who has gone out of their way to provide some comfort and pleasure for my parents.

And she said it over and over again. I can only imagine the sting it put to my father's feelings to realize that nothing he'd done in the last 6 years could measure up to one lunch and a bit of shopping.

She also said "She was so patient with me. Everyone else who takes me shopping just paces around and tries to rush me."

Hmmm...the only people who take her shopping are me or my son. How can I not be offended by that?

The good news: I'm still hurt and angry over that. But, I'm also not overly inclined to go out of my way to take her shopping again in the near future. And when I do (because we all know I will eventually) I'll be as patient and kind and I am able and I'll keep my expectations low. I know it will never measure up to the magical day with her friend, who no doubt fawned all over my mother and treated her like a queen. Good for her. It's what every narcissistic mother wants, afterall.