Narcissitic Rage

I'm sure we all wish we knew what set off narcissitic rage because then we'd do just about anything to avoid it. The real hurt of these attacks is that it often catches you off guard.

This morning, I remembered one such incident.

On the day that I recieved my graduate degree, my parents and my brother attended the ceremony. There was a reception afterward for those in my department. My family came, but stayed only briefly, then said they had to get on their way.

That was fine by me since I was more interested in talking to my friends than introducing my family around.

A few hours later I finished packing up my car and drove to my parents' house where I'd be living for a couple months. When I got there, my brother came out and informed me my mother had been on a tear, including crying, since they left the reception because I was "embarrassed by them."

So, on what ought to have been a triumphant arrival home after accomplishing something pretty impressive, I had the rug pulled out from under me. I went in the house to try to soothe the situation, of course I was sure I must have done something to merit this because at that time (over twenty years ago) I was still pretty sure my mother was right about everything.

I went in the house and she ranted at me and I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. I had no idea what imaginary slight had brought this on, but she was in a full blown rant which had apparently been going on for some time.

Looking back, I can't help but wonder if either my brother or father had tried to stick up for me or if they were just trying to steer clear of the fallout. I can't imagine that my brother, the golden boy, came to my defense, though I'd like to think that my father at least tried (before he was shouted down).

Now, whenever I look back on what was a pretty impressive accomplishment in my life, what I most remember is my mom's lunacy.

I can only guess that my academic accomplishments and prestige, something she always wanted for herself, set her off. She couldn't stand thinking that I'd outdone her.

It's ironic, because she was very supportive of me going to graduate school, yet on the day when the spotlight was supposed to be on me, she just couldn't take it.

Frankly, I'm angry and hurt. I know now that I was not to blame. She, of course, will never know that.

Sometimes I think I'd like to bring that day up and tell her how horrible she was and how wrong she was, but I know better. Even if she does give some sort of weak apology she will still manage to make it all my fault.